


Walls Too High

by Carter_Casterwill



Series: Queen of Hearts (Celegiri list) [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Celestia hates Taeko Yasuhiro though, Celestia hates herself, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Kyoko being a good girlfriend, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Taeko Yasuhiro - Freeform, That's obvious though, What Was I Thinking?, Yeah it's a thing in this, i dunno what i'm doing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-11-25 22:30:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18172289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carter_Casterwill/pseuds/Carter_Casterwill
Summary: "Cause there's no one to love you when you build your walls too high."Celestia has a breakdown in her bathroom before school and it seems like the only person who can pull her back is the detective herself.





	Walls Too High

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for all those who are triggered by cutting, because there is that in this. Like, look at those tags.

How did she end up here? Celestia didn’t know, but here she was, staring at herself in the mirror. She lacked her twin drills and had one of her contacts out, her makeup long gone. She must have been changing into her clothes or out of them. Which one it was, she had no clue. How could she know? She didn’t know what to do. She was caught up in a moment of self-loathing at this point. She stared into her eyes, trying hard to not freak out. She smiled. It looked fake. She tried again. It looked worse. She resisted the urge to rip… Well, something. She had the urge to rip something about her complexion. She carefully lifted her hand to the mirror and placed her fingers on the glass just next to her head. She wasn't going to do it. She wasn’t going to have a panic attack. She wasn’t going to freak out.

“Stupid, ugly, pathetic, worthless…” She started to mumble despite her best attempts to stay calm, dragging her hand across the mirror, creating scratches in it. She stared herself intently in the eyes again. One red and one brown. She tried to resist the urge to scream out and punch the glass out. “Unlovable, dumb, idiot, fake… Fake, fake, fake…” With each new word, she added more pressure to her fingers, pushing them against the glass harder, pushing harder and harder until the cheap mirror started to crack. “Worthless, unlovable, pathetic Taeko Yasuhiro.” Then, the mirror shattered.

As the glass fell, Celestia let out an ear piercing scream. She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream as loud as she could, she wanted to curl up in a ball and do the previous two things. She wanted to rat up her hair and pull. Most of all, she wanted to hurt. She wanted to hurt the girl in front of her in the shattered mirror. She was such a worthless being. She deserved to hurt, she deserved to wither in pain. She deserved to suffer. Celestia’s job was to push Taeko back into a corner so far that she wouldn’t be able to show her face ever again. Her job was to abuse Taeko so much that she was forced to give herself up and become Celestia forever.

Celestia gave into to the desire and her hands flew up to her head. She tugged and pulled, stumbling back into the wall from the force she was using. Tears slipped down her face as she let out frustrated sobs out of pale lips. She tugged and yanked and pulled at the short bob of black hair that she hated so much. She pulled and pulled and pulled but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. She wanted to hurt her more. She wanted to make her bleed. She wanted to make her scream and cry and hurt so much. Taeko deserved it. She wasn’t worth anything. She wanted to watch her suffer. She wanted to feel in power. She wanted to ban the worthless girl to the farthest corner of her mind. She wanted to see her trembling and crying. She wanted to see her pale and bleeding. She wanted to see the tears fall down the freckled face.

Celestia was determined to make it happen.

She pulled and tugged and yanked at her hair until she was sure that she had pulled out enough strands to make the freckled face that was visible in the broken shards of the mirror was crying in pain. She curled up in a ball, her hands still clinging at her hair painfully. Harsh sobs escaped her lips as she leaned against the door of her bathroom. It still wasn’t enough.

She started to undress, yanking her jacket off as fast as she could without tearing the precious fabric. The jacket was thrown into a far corner. Then off came the red tie and the white button-up shirt. The skirt and the socks came off last and soon, she was left in her bra and underwear. The clothes that she had spent so many hours making were tossed carelessly into the far corner. God help Taeko if any one of her mask’s precious clothes got blood on them. Celestia would kill someone of her clothes got ruined.

The glass on the floor would do nicely, she thought to herself as she picked up the sharpest piece she could find. No point in wasting time and delayed her punishment by looking for a knife or a razor when there were plenty of things to use around her. With heavy tears and hiccuping sobs, she pressed the glass into her stomach and, oh gosh, did it hurt. She wanted to stop it there. She didn’t want any more cuts because, oh gosh, it hurt so bad. She gritted her teeth as she choked back a sob, letting the glass sink a little deeper into her skin before sliding it across the stomach as she pulled it away. Then, she repeated the action not too far away from the first. Over and over again, letting out more sobs until she was practically begging herself to stop the torture on herself. The heavy sobs turn to silent cries with a shaky voice. She pulled her knees up to her chest, tossing the glass into the wall from herself. Slowly, she backed herself into a corner, as far away from the door as she could and the opposite corner that her clothes were in. She was in pain. She wanted it to stop. She didn't want this. She hugged her knees to her chest tightly and crying softly into them.

She didn’t know how long she had locked herself in the bathroom for. She didn’t know what time it was. She just knew that she was left alone with her thoughts and now that she had finally let her Celestia mask fall into the ground, she was left with her own self-hate, telling her that in this state she was nothing compared to anyone. She believed those thoughts that she told herself when she was under her Celestia mask. She told herself that no one wanted to help her in this state. She knew that no one wanted to deal with her emotions like this. No one wanted to look at her in this state and they would look down on her because of this. She knew that.

What’s what she thought, at least. One of her classmates thought differently. Kyoko Kirigiri realized that her girlfriend had missed breakfast and she was gone throughout most of the morning now and that was unlike her. She knew that it was coming up to lunch now, but she knew that Celestia wasn’t one to be gone all morning like this. She didn’t hear anything about a gambling match, so she doubts that she had just slept in. That was not how Celestia worked and she knew that. Kyoko didn’t want to assume the worst, but she had a feeling deep down that told her that something was wrong with the goth. 

She knocked on the door but got no response. She tried the doorbell. Still nothing. Celestia had to be in her room. No one had seen her this morning, meaning that this was the only place that she could be. The sinking feeling in her stomach grew worse as she tried the doorbell again. Nothing. She tried the handle to the room and it opened with ease. Had Celestia forgotten to lock her door? She muttered an apology before entering the room, shutting and locking the door behind her.

Celestia room was a bit of a mess. That was red flag number one. Celestia liked everything to be in a certain order at every point in time. The clothes that she had been creating, and no one had ever seen her wear, were on hangers and mannequins around the room, but in disorder. The bed was unkempt and sheets were half hanging off the side of the bed. The table and desk looked like they hadn’t been touched at all from the night before. Fabric and textbooks covered both like she was studying and sewing at the same time. Upon farther inspection, it looked as if the room had been in his disarray for quite a while at this point. Dust had begun to settle on the desk in some paces. How long had it been since Kyoko had last been in Celestia’s room?

Kyoko was about to leave, figuring that Celestia had slipped out when people were busy, but of course, like some cliche movie, that was when she heard the quietest cry she had ever heard come from the bathroom. Her detective mind jumped into action and she began to think through everything that could have happened and what was going on. The door was unlocked. That could mean anything. She couldn’t leave anything out at this point. She slowly made her way to the bathroom door and opened it carefully.

It took everything that the detective had not to throw up at the sight of the room. The first thing she noticed was the broken glass and she made a note to let her father know that they would have to get a new mirror for Celestia’s bathroom. Of course, then came scanning the broken glass on the floor. Then the sight of the crimson blood on the floor and Kyoko panicked, her eyes scanning the bathroom for the person she was hoping that wasn’t the victim. Her eyes landed on the shaking and trembling form of Celestia Ludenberg, of Taeko Yasuhiro, in the corner. She had pressed herself into the corner so far that she looked like she was trying to disappear into the wall. That wasn’t the worst part. It was the way she looked at her, the way that she sounded. She was missing most of her clothes and Kyoko made note of them in the other corner. She looked at Kyoko with such fear and anxiety that it made the detective’s heartbreak. She heard the quiet sobs coming from the trembling form’s lips, her voice raw and used to the point of sounding like it hurt.

Kyoko went to take a step closer to her, careful of the broken glass but stopped when she saw Celestia, Taeko, whatever she wanted to be called right now, flinch at the movement, curling up more into a ball against the back corner of the room. Despair and terror filled her eyes as she stared at the lavender girl and Kyoko was never filled with more uneasiness in her life. She didn’t want Kyoko close to her and that hurt to some extent. So, instead, she turned and left, unable to get the image of her girlfriend's broken form in the corner, frightened like some small kitten who had been maltreated for the longest time.

Kyoko soon came back with a broom and dustpan. The glass needed to be taken care of first. It was too dangerous to leave out in the open like that. Someone could get hurt from it. However, when she came back into the bathroom, she was more concerned about the enhanced fear in Celestia’s eyes, the way the sobs had grown slightly in volume, and the way her body trembled more than it had when she was in here for the first time. She wanted to go over and try to comfort her but decided against it because of the way that she had reacted last time. So, she set to work, sweeping the glass into a pile before getting it into the dustpan. She dumped it into the trashcan just outside the room and turned back to the bathroom. Next, it was time to deal with the drying blood on the floor. She should have gotten peroxide for the floor, but water and a towel would have to do for now. She wet the towel and knelt down on the floor, gently scrubbing the crimson away from the white tiles on the floor. She looked over at Celestia from time to time, just to check on her, but she didn’t get all that close to her for fear of scaring her farther.

Because there wasn’t much to change in Celestia’s state, once Kyoko had finished cleaning the floor as much as she close without freaking out her girlfriend, she busied herself farther by picking up the clothes in the corner of the room and took them out, smoothing them out carefully before placing each of them on their respective hangers and placing them in the closet. Next, she started to tidy up the room, putting everything neatly away in places she remembered them being the last time she was in here. She drew the curtains of the room open to let sunlight in, allowing the room to become much brighter. She stacked the textbooks together and set them neatly under the desk, before folding the different fabric pieces in the room into a neat pile and setting them on top the desk. Next, she made the bed and organized the mannequins and hung the other outfits up in the closet. Normally, she wouldn’t be doing this, but she was trying to pass time to give Celestia time to get used to her presence and calm down enough to let her get near to her.

“Alright, I think everything is cleaned up as much as I can do,” Kyoko said as she entered the bathroom again. Celestia looked over at her, anxiety flashing through her eyes, but when Kyoko stepped closer, she didn’t flinch. Kyoko made her way over to her and knelt down, not daring to reach out and touch her. “I… It might not be the way you like it, but I tried my best.” Celestia hugged her knees to her chest tighter, but she didn’t shy away from her yet. Kyoko made another note of the way she looked. Her body was pushed into the corner as far as she could and she hadn’t lost any of the anxiety or fear in her eyes. Kyoko’s heart broke more upon seeing her overrun by despair like this.

“Hey, Celes… Taeko, it’s okay, I promise,” Kyoko said gently, though she didn’t know what to say. How do you talk to someone who looked this broken? Kyoko didn’t even know what happened. How was she to judge if it was okay at this moment? “It’s… It’s okay… I promise. I promise it’ll be okay.” Celestia just stared back at her, hiding her face into her knees more until her eyes were the only visible thing. Kyoko took a breath and carefully stretched out a hand to touch her. “I’m going to put my hand on your shoulder. Is that okay?” There was no response, so Kyoko waited, her hand outstretched. Slowly, Celestia nodded her head. The movement was subtle, but the detective managed to catch it. She laid her gloved hand carefully on Celestia's shoulder and moved a little bit closer to her so that she didn’t have to strain herself.

“Can you… no… Actually… no. Just make it stop…” Celestia let out a quiet sob and buried her eyes into her knees. Kyoko rubbed a small circle on her shoulder, trying to figure out what she had been trying to say. She waited quietly, letting her go at her own pace even if it meant that she would be in here for a while. Celestia was what mattered right now. “Maybe… Oh, gosh, it hurts so much. For the love of God, make it stop!” More sobs came and she hugged her knees tighter as a shudder ran throughout her body.

“What do you want me to stop?” Kyoko asked gently, leaning her head down so she’d be level with Celestia. Her lavender hair slipped over her shoulders and made a waterfall behind her slightly tilted head. “I can do my best to make it stop, Taeko.”

“Make… Make her stop… I… I’m only here because of her…” Celestia replied, her voice muffled by her knees, barely above a whisper. She then let out a small giggle, clearly fake and broken. “Push her into a corner, abuse and break her, watch her tremble and bleed, until she’s forced to become Celestia forever… Stupid, worthless, pathetic, unlovable Taeko Yasuhiro.” She broke down again, the quiet sobs turning into full on crying again. Kyoko resisted the urge to wrapped her arms around her and pull her into a hug in case that made it worse.

“I don’t think she’s worthless. I don’t think she’s pathetic, or stupid, or unlovable, Celes… I think that every part of you is being capable of being loved. Even the parts of you that you don’t love. Someone else does. I do. I love all of you, Celes. Even Taeko Yasuhiro. If you claim that no one loves her, no one will even get the chance if you keep treating yourself like this. If you don’t try to love her, no one’s going to get the chance and I can only do so much right now. You have to let me get a chance to love her. Because she’s a part of you, right? I said I love all of you and I mean it.” Kyoko meant every word she said. She gently rubbed circles in Celestia’s shoulder to try to calm her down. She had a feeling she knew what her earlier request had been. She had wanted Kyoko to do something to her, to push her over the edge and finally allow Taeko Yasuhiro to be a memory. Celestia didn’t even know what she wanted anymore.

They were silent for a minute, the only noise being Celestia’s cries. Kyoko made no move to touch her farther than her shoulder and Celestia didn’t come out of the corner. She wanted too. She wanted to hug Kyoko and just cry into her. She wanted to get everything under control and laugh it off like it was nothing. She wanted to put that mask on again and smile. She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs and overly exhaust her voice until she couldn’t speak anymore. Truth be told, Celestia didn’t know what she wanted. Taeko didn’t know what she wanted.

“I’m going to go get…” Kyoko started to say, gently removing her hand from Celestia’s back but was stopped by Celestia grabbing her wrist.

“Don’t leave me alone… Please…” Her voice shook and panic filled every word. She gently tugged at Kyoko’s wrist to pull her back down to a kneeling position before she let go of her own legs and wrapped her arms around Kyoko’s stomach, hiding her face in her shirt. Her bare body was still trembling, but it was significantly better than it had been when Kyoko first found her. “Don’t leave me alone with my thoughts… I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop myself again. I’m afraid…” She choked back a few sobs and hugged Kyoko tightly. Kyoko wrapped her arms around her in return, making note of the fresh wounds that she could feel on Celestia’s stomach.

“We do need to treat you though,” Kyoko replied gently, rubbing her back. “How many cuts do you have, Tae? Seven? Eight?”

“You’re unbelievable,” Celestia replied, hiding her face more. “Eight and they all hurt so much.” Kyoko stroked her short hair for a bit, humming softly. They probably did. She had her own experience with cuts and knew they hurt, so she did want to hurry up and get things to help treat them, but she didn’t want to leave Celestia alone in this state.

“Can you survive five minutes of being alone if I was on the phone with you? I need to go to the nurse’s and get some bandages. Can you do that for me?” Kyoko asked. It took Celestia a moment, but she agreed and they started the phone call before Kyoko even left the bathroom, watching Celestia press herself into the corner once again, trying to make herself as small as possible. Kyoko did most of the talking, mostly just letting Celestia know that she was still there on the phone and that she would be back in only a few minutes and telling her that whatever her mind was telling her at the moment was wrong. She heard Celestia quietly mumble about how Kyoko was not coming back, but Kyoko told her that wasn’t true and that she was going to be right back.

Kyoko avoided everyone in the hallways, being careful of the blood that was on her. She didn’t want people to question what was going on. She made it to the nurse’s easily and didn’t have to worry about getting in there unnoticed. No one was in there at the moment. She got what she needed and headed right back to Celestia’s room without any issues. She continued to talk the whole time, letting Celestia know that she was coming back now. She opened the door and closed it, locking it and heading into the bathroom, finding Celestia exactly how she left her. She ended the phone call and returned to her side, kneeling by her again. From the looks of it, it looked like Celestia had been crying more, but that was to be expected.

“See, I’m back now. There’s no need to worry.” Kyoko set the thing in her hands down and opened her arms to Celestia. The goth jumped at the opportunity and took the embrace, hugging her tightly and hiding her face in the crook of Kyoko’s neck. Kyoko hugged her back and rubbed her back gently as Celestia started to cry again. She was really broken. Kyoko had never seen her this full of fear, panicked, and filled with despair. She had figured that Celestia hated herself. That much had been obvious with the way that she talked bad about Taeko. She knew that, but she didn’t know it was this bad.

“I told you that I’d be back and look, I’m right here. There’s no need to freak out anymore,” Kyoko said gently, placing a gentle kiss on Celestia’s head before laying her head on it. “See, I’m here. I’m not going to be leaving any time soon.” They stayed like that for a while before Kyoko gently coaxed her away from the hug. “I’m going to have to clean and bandage your wounds now, is that okay?” Celestia didn’t respond, so Kyoko waited as she watched Celestia’ place herself in the corner once again. Slowly, Celestia nodded her head and Kyoko smiled gently. “How about this.” She sat against the wall and reached her arm out to Celestia carefully. When Celestia complied, she gently pulled her onto her lap, so that she was leaning against her chest on her back. “Is this okay?”

“I… I think so,” Celestia replied, leaning her head up to look at her girlfriend’s face. Anxiety flooded her face again as she watched Kyoko’s eyes scan up and down her body, mostly on the cuts on her stomach. She felt exposed and vulnerable now and she knew that this was where Kyoko got to actually see her completely without the Celestia facade. She felt Kyoko’s legs gently open under her and she slid down to rest of the floor, her head now resting against her shoulder and she watched carefully as Kyoko reached for the peroxide and a small washcloth. If Celestia hated anything close to how much she hated herself, it was the stinging sensation from the cleaning solution gave off every time it was used.

“Okay, this is probably going to hurt like hell, but here we go,” Kyoko said. She kissed Celestia’s temple as she pressed the washcloth, now soaked in peroxide, against two of the cuts. Celestia let out a hiss and a few curses left her pale lips. She closed her eyes tightly and leaned her head back on Kyoko’s shoulder. Kyoko was patient with her, whispering words gently into her ear, letting her know that it was okay. Soon, she moved onto the next few ones on her stomach and Celestia let out another string of curse words, her vulgar language seemingly something that remained between Taeko and Celestia. Then, she moved it once more and pressed it against the last few cuts. Celestia let out one more string of curses and squeezed her eyes together tightly.

“Sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m almost done,” Kyoko whispered into her ear. She gave her another small kiss on her temple and leaned her head against Celestia’s. Soon, the torture of peroxide was over and Kyoko pulled the washcloth away. “See. It’s all over now. You did such a good job.” Kyoko gently reached for the bandages and started to dress the wounds, making sure they weren’t too tight so that it wouldn’t be uncomfortable. She moved higher and higher to Celestia’s ribcage to tie it off before she noticed something on the gambler’s body that didn’t seem to be another gambling scar. She tied off the bandages and moved her hand up, gently pushing up the bottom lace on her girlfriend’s bra to see what had caught her eyes. Two words. And they made her feel sick.

安広 多恵子

Yasuhiro Taeko. In handwriting that was clearly not her own. Celestia flitched at the action right away, so she tore her hand away quickly, but it was too late. Kyoko had already seen it. Celestia’s eyes had snapped open and they were filled with panic once again, her breathing was scarce, and she looked like she was seconds from panicking. Kyoko kissed her forehead gently over and over again, whispering apologies between each kiss in hopes of calming her down. Once Celestia had calmed down enough, Kyoko laced their fingers together and let her other hand hanging free by her side.

“Who wrote that on your skin?” She asked gently. She wanted to figure out who had done it. Who had written the name that Celestia couldn’t stand in the girl’s flesh to be left forever? It didn’t seem like it would be someone she had gone against and judging by the way they looked, they couldn’t be more than a few months old. Who had done it and why? “Who carved your name into your skin, Taeko?”

“Please…” Celestia said quietly, closing her eyes again. “Don’t ask. I’m not ready yet…” Kyoko sighed and kissed her forehead once more, making Celestia promise that once she was ready, she would tell her. They stayed there for a while, Kyoko holding her close everytime she broke down into sobs after that. It was going to be okay though. Kyoko was there and she swore that she’d made sure that Celestia would never feel this way away.

What a lie that was. Because the next week, it happened once again and Celestia knew that eventually, one day, she’d push Taeko over the edge and there would be one day that Kyoko wouldn’t be there to comfort her and pull her back.

**Author's Note:**

> So... First work posted on here is angst.
> 
>  
> 
> Way to go, Carter.


End file.
